A biologist, a chemist and a physicist walk into a bar…
| 6 July, 2010 | Richard P. Grant |
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You’ve heard the one about the two atoms walking down the street?
No? How about when Professor Heisenberg gets stopped for speeding?
What’s your favourite science joke? I’m giving away an F1000 sweatshirt to the funniest and/or one that makes me groan the most, and a copy of My life in Science to the runner-up. You can tell your jokes on Twitter using the #scijoke hashtag, on Facebook, or indeed in the comments here.
(And please, do enter, if only to dilute the barrage of appalling jokes coming from some of my colleagues. They know who they are.)
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In a test on handling emergencies, a fire is started in the middle of a room, a bucket of water placed by the door, and people are required to go in and deal with it. An engineer walks into the room, sees the fire, picks up the bucket of water and dumps it on the fire. A physicist walks into the room, sees the fire, picks up the bucket of water, and carefully pours a circle of water around the perimeter of the fire; allowing it to burn itself out. Finally a mathematician walks into the room, sees the fire, convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.
There would appear to be a bunch of mathematicians working on the Gulf oil spill
This is a variation on Robin’s that I learned from math professor Charlie Brase at Regis College sometime around 1978-1982.
~~~~~
A psychologist was doing an experiment. Her first two subjects were a physicist and a mathematician. The psychologist told them to go into a room and follow the directions they would find on the table.
The physicist goes into the room and finds a sauce pan on the table, along with a note that says, “Fill the pan with water.” The physicist takes the sauce pan to the sink, fills it with water, puts it on the table, and leaves.
The psychologist re-sets the room. The mathematician reads the instructions, takes the sauce pan to the sink, fills it with water, puts it on the table, and leaves.
The next time the physicist enters the room, there’s an empty sauce pan and a hot plate on the table, along with a note that says, “Fill the pan with water and heat it.” The physicist takes the sauce pan to the sink, fills it with water, puts it on the hot plate, turns on the hot plate, waits for the water to get hot, turns off the hot plate, and leaves.
The psychologist re-sets the room. The mathematician reads the instructions, takes the sauce pan to the sink, fills it with water, puts it on the table, and leaves.
This puzzles the psychologist, so when the study is over, she asks the mathematician about his actions in the second test, to which the mathematician replied, “I reduced it to a problem that had already been solved.”
~~~~~
Dr. Brase used this to illustrate his maxim that good mathematicians are lazy. I took that maxim to heart.
You’ve got it kinda backwards Ken. :-p
The first exercise is to cook spaghetti. The second one is the same thing ‘cept the pot is already full of water. The mathy of course is the dude who empties the pot and says the problem is now reduced to the previous one.
From way down in my cranium,
I this prediction make:
If you eat uranium,
You’ll get atomic ache
What is a pirates favorite chemical element?
AAARRRRRRGON!!
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer walk into a bar. The bartender says “Gentlemen, what will you have?”. The physicist says “I’ll have a cognac”; the mathematician says “a white wine” and the engineer says “Excuse me. I think I’m in the wrong joke” …
Three engineers are discussing the existance of God.
The first engineer says: “God must have been an electrical engineer. Look at the maziaing nervous system and brain function! Only an electrical engineer could have created that!”
The second engineer says: “No way. God is a mechanical engineer. Look at the joints. A marvel of mechanical mastery!”
The thrid engineer says: “Nope. He was a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste disposal system through a perfectly good recreation area!”
This really good Carolina! Here enters the electronic/computer engineer who only would have circuited the two systems put in apposition to work in tandem. Even otherwise, both systems are meant to relieve you of the mounting pressure.
This is the one to beat. Good joke, Caroline!
Caroline, you must consider moon-lighting as a comedienne; it made my eyes water. Genius!
Q: Why does hamburger have less energy than steak?
A: Because it’s in the ground state!
Among the submissions from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which is an annual writing contest that makes fun of the author whose novel started out with, “It was a dark and stormy night.”:
“As a scientist, Throckmorten knew that if he ever passed gas in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it.”
This one made me laugh out loud. Repeatedly.
That was so funny I stole it, but not until I’d finished wetting myself.
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are out deer hunting, and spot, in the distance, a 12-point buck.
The physicist knowing the mass of the bullet, the mass of gunpowder in his shell and the distance to the deer, fires off a shot that hits the dirt 20 yards short of the deer.
The engineer, quickly estimating humidity, atmospheric density and wind speed and direction, fires off a shot and the dirt spurts up 20 yards beyond the deer.
The statistician pumps his fist and yells “You got him!”
Hilarious!
Dumb… Why am I still laughing tho?
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side
of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”.
The Biologists conclusion: “They have reproduced”.
The Mathematician: “If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be
empty again.”
Exquisite!
An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar.
The first one says, “I’ll have a beer”.
The second one says, “I’ll have half a beer”.
The third one says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer”.
The bartender growls, “You guys are such idiots”, and pours two beers.
An applied physicist and a theoretical physicist are playing tennis with one can of three tennis balls. After playing for some time, only two tennis balls can be found. Regarding the whereabouts of the third tennis ball, theoretical physicist hypothesizes “Maybe it collided with an anti-ball”. Applied physicist responds “No, we would have heard the explosion”.
Did you hear about the Christian biologist who had twins? She baptized one and left the other as a control.
A scientist walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of vodka. “Wow,” says the bartender, “that’s an order of magnitude.”
Two mathematians in a seedy bar are disputing the generally sorry state of mathematical knowledge in the general population. While one of them steps out to the washroom, the other calls the buxom blonde waitress and asks her to help him play a trick on his friend. “When my colleague returns, I will ask you a question, never mind what I ask but just reply: one third x cubed! Can you do that?” “Sure, she says: wonder next tube, right?” “Well, more like: one-third-X-cubed” “Is it, want yer eggs cooled?” she says. “No, listen: One Third X Cubed!” “Gotcha: one heard excuse.” “Well, close enough”, he says, “you could mumble a bit and I’ll do the rest…” As soon as his friend returns, he proposes a bet: “You’ll see that you are too pessimistic, why, I could ask any random stranger a simple integral, a bottle of single-malt says even the waitress here would know something that elementary.” Of course, no one could pass on the chance of bottle of single-malt, so the waitress is called over. “Miss” she is asked, “could you perhaps be so kind and tell us the integral of x squared?” “Oh I know” she replies, “that’s one third x cubed!” and, walking away adds, “plus a constant.”
My favorite Steven Wright one-liner:
“If you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.”
I have the t-shirt!
This is from the TV show, “Cheers”-
Know-It-All, Cliff Claven is sitting at the bar pontificating about his knowledge of molecular biology. “You know what DNA stands for” …….”Dames Not Allowed”. 😉
A warning to all chemists – “Don’t lick the spoon!”
A statistician walks into a butcher shop and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling, 15 feet up above him. He asks the butcher what’s the deal with the meat on the ceiling.
The butcher replies that he has a standing wager for anyone: if you can jump up and grab a piece of the meat then you can have it for free, as well as free meat for a month. If you miss, though, you have to work for the butcher for free for a month.
The statistician ponders a moment, but replies, “No way – the steaks are too high.”
Credit cartoonist, Gary McCoy with this one…
A sign on the bulletin board at ACME Biotech Company:
Picnic Next Friday…
PLEASE BRING A COVERED PETRI DISH
Q: What did the vegetarian immunologist have at afternoon tea?
A: Tea and alfalfa.
The artist, architect, and scientist are discussing the merits of having a wife versus a girlfriend. The artists says, “A girlfriend is preferable, because of the mystery and romance”. The architect says, “A wife is preferable, because you can build a lasting foundation for a good relationship”. Finally, the scientist says, “Having both is preferable!”. The other two say, “Both?”. “Yes, because the wife think you are with the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks you are with the wife, and you can go into the lab and get some work done.”
God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, “God, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing – in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning.”
“Oh, is that so? Explain…” replies God. “Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s very interesting… show Me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. “No, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve bacteria in this bar.” The bacteria says “But we work here! We’re staff.”
Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before journey mathematicians bought 3 tickets and economists bought only one. Mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet.
Conductor noticing that somebody is in the toilet knocked to the door and in reply saw a hand with the ticket. He checked it and economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price. Next day mathematicians decided to use the same strategy – they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy ticket at all. When mathematicians saw conductor they went to the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back. Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet.
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, “I’ve got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far.”
So he leans over the basket and yells out, “Hellllooooo! Where are we?” (They hear the echo several times).
Two minutes later they hear this echoing voice: “Hellllooooo! You’re lost!!”
One of the men says, “That must be a mathematician.” Puzzled, one of the other men asks, “Why do you say that?”
He replies: “For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless.”
A biology student and a physic student were walking down the street. They saw a beautiful girl, well shaped and very good looking walking towards the bar. Thebiology student said: Well don
Three guys were best friends in college. One became a millionaire and raised dozens of purebred racehorses for a hobby. One became an engineer and the other a physicist. The millionaire wanted to build the best race track in the world, and asked his two friends to propose solutions.
The engineer came back a month later and said, “I’m going to build a computer simulation of a race track, based upon the best existing tracks in the world. Then I will optimize all the parameters until I have a track better than anything anyone else has ever built.”
The millionaire loved the idea.
The physicist came back a month after that and said, “I’m not only going to build you the best track in the world, I’m also going to win the Nobel Prize in Physics for this! My research in horse racing isn’t just good, it’s a total breakthrough! Ground-breaking, breath-taking, stupendous! It will alter the way we race horses for all eternity!”
The millionaire was very excited. “Yes! Yes! Show me this breakthrough of yours!”
The physicist goes up to a blackboard, picks up a piece of chalk and draws a big circle.
He says, “Okay now, let’s assume perfectly spherical horses….”
Optimist: “The glass is half full.”
Pessimist: “The glass is half empty.”
Engineer: “The glass is twice as large as needed.”
I know these guys! My vote for the best of some very funny stories.
I liked the latest PhD Comics…
Normal Person: “Woohoo! Holiday! No work today!”
Scientist: “Woohoo! Free parking!”
A biologist, a chemist, and an engineer are to be executed by guillotine. The biologist goes first. They put her in the guillotine face up and ask if she has any last words. She says, “It is with a sense of peace that I return the nutrients in my body to the ecosystems of the Earth.” The executioner pulls the cord to let the blade fall, and the blade comes down and stops within a centimeter of her neck. The authorities confer and decide that they have witnessed divine intervention. They let her go free.
Next came the chemist. Asked if she has any last words, she says, “It is with a sense of peace that I return the elements of my body to the geochemical cycles of the Earth.” The executioner pulls the cord and again the blade stops within a centimeter of her neck. They let her go free.
Finally came the physicist. They ask if he has any last words. The physicist looks up for a long minute and says, “I think I see your problem…”
As scientists we have all felt the sting of purloined, stolen or misapplied glory and are suspicious of devaluing our achievements.
If you were working for a company that had that reputation and was run by Dr. Heisenberg…
Wouldn’t he be the real Heisenberg Uncertainty Principal?
Feeling negative?
Get rid of an electron!!
What is the only animal that dissolves in water?
The polar bear!
When, in college, I was asked if I knew the difference between being stupid or just apathetic about not knowing all the answers to a particularly confusing laboratory problem about electron positioning.
I said…
It’s uncertain, I don’t know and I don’t care…
I got an A+
Three pieces of string were walking down the street on a hot day.
The first piece of string, a physicist, says, “Boy, I could use a drink!”
The second piece of string, a biologist, says, “Right-o! It is beastly hot. Let’s go into that bar and get a beer!”
The third piece of string, a mathematician, says, “Eh, I don’t think they serve string there.”
The first piece says, “Nonsense! You just have to be firm. Watch me!” So he goes into the bar, sidles up to the counter, and says, “Bartender! A beer here!”
The bar tender says, “Say, aren’t you a piece of string?”
The piece of string says, “Yep! What’s it to ya?”
The bartender says, “I’m sorry. We don’t server string.”
The first piece of string, crestfallen, goes back to his friends and says, “Well, I guess we struck out here.”
The second piece of string says, “I watched you, and you weren’t very respectful. Let me try a different approach.”
So the second piece of string goes into the bar and says, “Excuse me, sir, may I trouble you for a glas of your best lager?”
The bartender looks at him and says, “Say, aren’t you a piece of string?”
The second piece of string says, “Yes, sir, you are quite right! I am indeed a piece of string.”
Th bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve string.”
Dejected, he leaves and says to his friends, ” You are right: they simply don’t serve string here.”
The last piece of string says, “You both gave it away. Let me try.”
So he goes into the bar and says, “Bartender! a beer here and be quick about it!”
The bartender says, “Say, aren’t you a piece of string?”
The third piece, roughing up his ends, says, “No, I’m a frayed knot!”
This is a cleaner version of the “Zeno’s paradox” joke than the one I originally heard:
In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, “When will the girls and boys meet?”
The mathematician said: “Never.”
The physicist said: “In an infinite amount of time.”
The engineer said: “Well… in about two minutes, they’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”
A terrorist group captures three scientists: a virologist, a neurochemist and a molecular biologist, intending them as hostages. Something goes wrong with the plans and the hostages are to be shot. As an act of clemency each in turn may plead for their lives on the basis of the good their science can do the world; the best case will be saved.
The virologist offers the identification of HIV, but without a cure for AIDS, and is shot on the spot.
The molecular biologist comes next and is about to speak when the neurochemist exclaims: “Shoot me, shoot me; I can’t bear hearing yet again just how molecular biology is the key to the world’s future!”
The Indian Statistician, P. C. Mahalanobis and JBS Haldane were great friends. It is said that on one of their walks together, Mahalanobis suddenly asked Haldane, as to what would he do if he were involved in a road accident and lost a significant part of his critical faculties to brain damage. To which, Haldane is supposed to have replied, ‘I will do some biochemistry!’
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek. Einstein is seeking first, and the other two are hiding
A very concerned Hydrogen atom walks into the doctor’s office:
-Dr. I am very preoccupied, I have lost an electron.
-Are you sure?
-Yes I’m positive.
An economist wins a trip to the alps and is very excited about it. On the day of the trip he asks the guide if he can be in charge of map reading, he agrees. Once they are on top of the mountain there is a terrible storm and they get stuck. The economist studies the map, turning it every which way and spotting distant landmarks. Finally, he says to the rest of the group, ” Do you all see that mountain over there?” they all agree. “Well, according to this map, we’re standing on it!”
Little Willie was a scientist, Little Willie is no more:
What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
And the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve tachyons here.”
…
A tachyon walks into a bar…
This, for the record, is the one to beat.
This is my second favorite.
have you heard the one about a tachyon?
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender: Could you give me a Scotch and a mop, please?
The traffic police stopped Dr. Heisenberg. “Do you know, Doctor, how fast did you go?”, asked the policeman. “I do not know”, replies the doctor, “but I know exactly where I am.”
Theorem of Einstein-Pythagoras: E=m(a2+b2)
Heisenberg is driving his BMW-M5 down the freeway. He is pulled over by a cop, who asks “Do you know how fast you were going?” He says, “No, but I know where I am.”
A farmer was having a mysterious problem that was killing all of his chickens. To get to the bottom of it, he hired a biologist, chemist, and physicist to get to the root of his problem.
After their analyses, they report back to the farmer.
The Biologist tells him, “I have performed many biological, genetic, and serologic assays on your chickens, and I cannot find any abnormalities.”
The Chemist tells him, “I have performed many metabolic, toxicologic, and chemical assays on your chickens, and I cannot find any abnormalities.”
The Physicist then chimes in, “I know what is killing your chickens and have a solution. Assuming spherical chickens in a vacuum…”
An unfunded, burned out molecular biologist decides to change professions and feels the quickest way is to get a brain transplant of a person who has is smart, revered and enjoyed the good life. He went to the brain room at his regional transplant center and toured with the transplant coordinator. “Here we have a brain from a very famous rock star that made millions and had more sexual partners than he could handle. Price $499/kg. Over here we have the brain of an investment banker who knew so much about predicting financial business deals that he retired at 36 and never had to work again. All he did the rest of his life is advise others and lived the good life to the fullest. Price $1900/kg. Now down here we have the brain of the US president. He was revered throughout the world, had almost anything at his disposal, had more beautiful women around him to take care of his “every need” and was able to vacation about 25% of his time every year. Most of his work was done by others. Price $150,000/kg”. Holy cow said the biologist, I can understand the cost of the first two but why does the presidencial brain cost so much. The coordinator says, “My God man, do you know how many US presidents it takes to accumulate a kg of brains?”
When your Spell Check leaves words that are dead on: “analytic alchemist”.
Best pickup line ever:
Baby, you must be an auxin, because you’re causing some serious tip elongation.
A great genetics pick-up line:
Hey handsome – you must be a polyploid ’cause there’s something extra in those jeans!
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don’t
very nice!
This is adapted from http://www.jumbojoke.com/ substituting biologist for engineer:
What’s Their Handicap?
A doctor, a priest and a biologist were trying to enjoy a morning of golf, but they were stuck behind an extremely slow group; those men missed every putt, had a hard time lining up shots, and occasionally even teed off in the wrong direction.
The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys?”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”
The priest said, “Hey, here comes the pro. Let’s have a word with him.”
They signal him over. “Hi, George,” the priest says. “What’s with that group ahead of us? They’re delaying our game.”
The pro replied, “It’s a sad, sad, story. That’s a group of blind firefighters; they lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free.”
The group fell silent in shame.
The priest said, “That’s awful! I will say a special prayer for them tonight and take up a collection with my congregation.”
The doctor added, “I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy to see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
And the biologist said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
ha ha! Nice one.
Thanks Richard,
A little insensitive but if you can get past that, it makes you smile
Welll… I see it as poking fun at the biologist. Which is fair game!
God is real, unless he is declared as integer.
Integer is also real..
True, but I think, it is an IT joke, because in programming, number can be declared as real or integer, but not both.